Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

A dialogue between the Savior and the Adversary

Scene: Wide angle, open desert, wild scrubland punctuated only by an occasional, withered vine or bramble. Slow zoom on a figure, wandering aimlessly in a craggy pathway surrounded by the walls of an ancient, dried-out ravine. The figure is JESUS, clothed in what was once a white robe, coated in a film of dust and dirt. He is disheveled, but placid in affect. As the ravine widens and flattens out, he passes a boulder, large, obscuring much of the visible shot behind it. Once past the boulder, a man clad in a sharp, obsidian-black anachronistically modern business suit begins to follow behind him.

JESUS (Waiting a few moments to speak after noticing his companion): I was wondering when you would show up.

LUCIFER: (following closely) Opportunities to catch you alone come up so rarely. I would be a fool to not take the time to drop in.

JESUS: You are many things, serpent. A fool isn’t one of them.

LUCIFER (mockingly): Flattery? From the boss’s son himself! Why, Jesus, what would the old man say if he ever found out?

JESUS (walks on, silently, rocks crunching beneath his sandals)

LUCIFER (cont.): Oh, don’t be like that, kid. I know you’ve been out here a while, but I know you haven’t lost all your social graces. The silent treatment isn’t your style, anyhow.

JESUS: And what is my style, exactly?

LUCIFER: You tell me, you’re the one they call the Word.

JESUS: Is that so? Funny how names can stick so easily.

LUCIFER: Tell me about it.

(Awkward silence falls between the two of them, walking in the desert)

JESUS (annoyed): Just get it over with.

LUCIFER: Get what over with?

JESUS: The king of hell does not idly leave his throne for a simple social call to the Son of God. Now do what you have come here to do and stop wasting my time.

LUCIFER (laughing): Waste YOUR time? Ha! Boy, the heat must have cooked your brain. You have been out here for two weeks doing… what exactly? You don’t eat. You just walk, find a rock to sleep under, and keep walking. As soon as you get close to a town, you start walking in the other direction. I don’t need to waste your time, you are doing that well enough yourself. For all you know, I’m just a figment of your imagination, a phantom induced by starvation and exhaustion.

JESUS: That trick of making people think you don’t exist doesn’t work on me, I was there at the beginning.

LUCIFER: Boo. Not fair. (silence falls again.) You know, part of me resisted coming up here. Part of me knew you’d be just as much a downer and a wet blanket as your dad. Yet, I came anyways. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Say, by the way, do you want to rest a spell?

(The pair pass a patio table, complete with a shade umbrella and two chairs set up as if at a café)

LUCIFER: I bet a nice, cold glass of water and some freshly baked bread would really sound good right now, doesn’t it?

JESUS: (deep, heavy sigh)

LUCIFER: (aggressively gesturing at the patio table)

JESUS: Your parlor tricks don’t work on me.

LUCIFER: What trick? I’m offering you basic elements of human life. A bit of normalcy! Creature comforts! Besides, how can you resist this home-baked fresh sourdough? (picks up a loaf from the table, lifts it up to his ear, crunches the crust with his hand.) You hear that crunch? Ah, it’s just the best. But you know what? You’re right. You don’t need me for that, do you? It’s not like you can’t (bends down, picks up a loaf-sized rock) turn this rock into bread all by yourself. I know you can do it. YOU know you can do it. Just save yourself some hunger pains and have a go.

JESUS: ‘One does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’

LUCIFER: Oh, come off it. Don’t be like that. I’m trying to connect with you! Establish a bond, maybe even some rapport. I don’t get why you feel you need to be difficult. Sure, me and your dad might have our differences, but that’s me and him, not you. You’re different. That’s what is so great about you, too. Distinct, but of the same stuff. So I have to wonder just how similar your stuff is to the old man’s.

(silence again, as the two walk on. LUCIFER is clearly uncomfortable)

LUCIFER: So how exactly does it work for you? You gave up eternity and infinity… for walking in a desert. All flesh-and-bone. Do you even need to eat? Is that it? You can just go without, and it’s fine, it’s easy for you?

(JESUS walks just a bit slower)

LUCIFER: It’s not, is it?! You admit it! Hot damn, you really are just starving yourself out here, for real? You really are just walking around in a threadbare tunic and tattered sandals, stomach-a-grumbling like a common rube? Skittering about, a lost little lamb away from the flock? An actual, factual, boring, common human being?

JESUS: That’s how this works.

LUCIFER: How what works?

JESUS: This. The whole thing. My mission here. My purpose. To live and die as a human being. It requires me being fully human.

LUCIFER: No fooling? Huh. Interesting. So right now, as I hold this loaf of bread, you can smell it? Hear it’s crunchiness? Is it making you salivate? Is it making you… doubt?

(JESUS resumes original pace, silently)

LUCIFER: Aha. Fascinating. (Silence for a few steps) But how far can we push this whole thing, eh? So, you have a stubborn streak. That sounds pretty normal for a human, sure. But are you still not God? Let’s say I do something silly. Just for the sake of example, let’s say I… push you off this ridge. When and if you land, would it hurt? Or would one of daddy’s underlings, those obsequious little angels of his, would they catch you? All so you wouldn’t get a little boo-boo?

JESUS: Again it is written, ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’

LUCIFER: (LUCIFER stops, like he had been slapped in the face. Suddenly, losing his cool, shouting) Why you little BRAT, I’ll… I’ll…

(his senses come back to him, and he straightens up, muttering)…damn, it’s hot out here. I should have opted for less formal attire. This is more Tommy Bahamas, less GQ kind of weather.

(The two resume walking again, LUCIFER following behind, squinting into the sun)

JESUS: I don’t know.

LUCIFER: Huh? What was that?

JESUS: I said, “I don’t know.” I don’t know what would have happened if you pushed me. I know some things, I remember some things, but things like that… I don’t. Compared to how it was, all of my life seems so… compressed. Shortened. I have flashes, images, of possibilities, probabilities. Most likely, I would have gotten hurt, had a limp. The stakes are real for me now. Time only goes in one direction. And I only understand it as things are happening, like any human.

LUCIFER: So… hmm. Interesting. Very interesting. Well, it’s obvious that creature comforts, while tantalizing, don’t really weaken your resolve. Self-preservation, only slightly. You’re playing kind of fast and loose with your own life, buddy. Don’t you care? Does it even matter to you?

JESUS: Of course it does. It always does.

LUCIFER: But you… okay. NO. No! None of this makes sense, not one bit! I simply just cannot understand what the hell kind of purpose it is that could have possibly brought you here. You’re basically going to kill yourself if you keep up this behavior, but you say it matters, that your life does mean a great deal to you. Yet human life is so short! It’s a cosmic blip! You get, on the outside, maybe 70 or 80 years maximum, and that’s if you stay out of the sun and eat healthy, which given the current time and location seem unlikely for a fella like you. And that’s all? You’re content with that?

JESUS: That’s all anyone ever gets. Why should it be different for me?

LUCIFER: (Frantically shouting now) Because! You! Are! The! Son! Of! God!! You are not like these people! You are not like other humans! Your life—and trust me, it pains me to say this—is actually of cosmic importance! There has never been a huma like you before! And you expect me to just believe that you are content to live a life like one of these people? These ants? These dullards? These troglodytes?

JESUS: Why not?

(LUCIFER stops dead in his tracks. A laugh then wells up in his body, starting from his toes and up to his whole frame, he holds himself to keep from the spasmodic laughter that has overcome him. A fit of uncontrollable hilarity has consumed him.)

LUCIFER:(Trying to get ahold of himself) That… is… funny. Boy, I had you wrong. You are NOTHING like your dad. Because never in my extraordinarily long existence did your old man ever crack a joke like that.

JESUS: You should meet my mom sometime.

LUCIFER: Why not? (peals of giggles punctuate his words) Might as well! I didn’t realize that madness, supreme foolishness, utter insanity was a necessary part of being human, but sure! Why not? Ha! Sure! Why not intentionally limit yourself to a few measly decades if your lucky! Why not roll around in the dust, take a bath in a river, eat bugs and become the town joke! You have your work cut out for you there, Nazareth. Out of all the places in the world, out of all the times in the cosmos, you come here, now, and live and probably die in NAZARETH. A broke-down, no-horse backwater in a colonized imperial scrap of desert! No wonder you’re out here, you probably like it, you freak.

(JESUS keeps walking, ignoring his companion.)

LUCIFER: Hey, I am talking to you, slugger! Don’t just act like I’m not here. Or did you lose your hearing? Do you have too much dirt in those holy ears of yours? Fine. If you won’t listen, I’ll just show you.

(LUCIFER snaps, and the scene instantly changes. Suddenly, they are atop the temple in Jerusalem)

JESUS: Why here?

LUCIFER: Because I am making you an offer and I want you to be paying attention as I do it. Maybe you don’t know any better. You’ve lived as a pauper, a beggar in the desert, a worthless son of a worthless carpenter. A broken edge of a bastard line. You call yourself the son of David, well, here’s the view from David’s perspective. Look down on them, you prince of fools. You can have them! You can be their ruler! You have the right! You are the son of God, you can free them! You have it in your power to raise up an army that would follow you to the gates of Rome itself, just to be free! You could start a holy war if you wanted to, be the king, live as a high priest! You say the word, I can do that for you. I’ll take you away from your dirt pile, and help you usher in an era of peace, prosperity, and justice for all! Just… let me help you.

JESUS:Go away.

LUCIFER: Beg pardon? Didn’t quite catch that.

JESUS: (shouting) I SAID. Go. Away. Get thee behind me. for it is written, ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve only him.’

LUCIFER: Ah. I was afraid that would be your response.

(A snap, and they have returned to the desert)

LUCIFER: You know, I had to give it a shot. You have to throw the dice, see how they land. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

(JESUS begins walking away, back into the wasteland)

LUCIFER: You know, you can fool a lot of people. You can play pretend, and people will play along with you. People have such wonderful imaginations, but you’re right. I misjudged you. That wasn’t the right approach. So let me try one more time. Aren’t you tired yet? I mean, aren’t you tired of this yet? Because while you may not have the wherewithal to see the road ahead of you, I am not so constrained as you in this moment. I can see down the road quite a ways. And I can safely say? I don’t even like it very much. You keep down this path, and you’ll do wondrous things, this much is true. You’ll help a lot of people. You might even inspire them. And that’s a beautiful thing. But people will break your heart. That is what people do. People break your heart. You can do everything right, do everything correctly, and still they will do it anyway. They’ll betray you. Let you down. They’ll disown you, disavow you, slander you. They’ll sell you to save their own skin. They’ll lie about you. They’ll beat you. They’ll break your bones and rip your flesh. They’ll tie you up and nail you down. And in the end, they’ll let you die. And for what? Why would you let them do that to you? Why would you subject yourself to that? Why would you ever, when you can just… walk down a different road? You can live a quiet life. Take a wife. Have a passel of kids. Die in your bed at old age, surrounded by loved ones. You could avoid so much heartache. Why, boy, why? Why would you ever choose the path you’re on?

JESUS: Why not?

(JESUS continues to walk, back down into another ravine, away from LUCIFER. LUCIFER watches on, horrified. LUCIFER vanishes.)